Top Ten Ways NOT to Baptize Someone

10. Lock and Load: tell them to lock their legs, so the balls of their feet slip in the tank, making them—and possibly you—capsize likes the Titanic.

9. Splash them in the face as they walk down the baptistery and yell “NEXT!”

8. The Naaman Method: put ‘em under 7x.

7. Have them enter the baptistery ahead of you and push them off the top step so they land face down in the water. This saves a lot of time and gives the congregation a thrill.

6. Don’t heat the tank and wear a wet suit under your robe. Let some ice cubes melt in the tank during Sabbath School. If they balk after putting their toe in, question their dedication. This is a good way to know if they are being baptized for the right reasons.

5. Put bubbles in the baptistery.

4. Hand them a microphone in the baptistery to tell the congregation about their experience.

3. Without telling them, dunk them forward instead of backward and yell “Booyah!”

2. While they are under give a 3 minute appeal for baptism [ignore any flailing of limbs that might occur].

1. Once submerged, place your foot on their chest pushing them to the bottom. Then, ever so gently with your foot firmly in place, swish them around to get all the sin off.

Top 10 Songs Not to Play at a Funeral

10. Anything by Hannah Montana [Do I need to elaborate?]

9. Jingle Bells [That’s just weird].

8. The 4 Seasons~ Vivaldi [while the title makes sense; the execution might be a tad rigorous for the funeral crowd].

7. Don’t Fear the Reaper~ Blue Oyster Cult [a great Second Coming message, but not so much for a funeral].

6. Anything by ZZ Top [Unless you have no moral compass].

5. The Streak~ Ray Stevens [tempting—but no]

4. [I come from a] Land Down Under~ Men at Work [Maybe people will realize it’s about Australia, and maybe they will suspect somewhere else depending on the person]

3. Dust in the Wind~Kansas [Too melancholy and just ever so slightly diminishes the value of life].

2. Anything with the word “remix” in it [just don’t].

1. Another One Bites the Dust~ Queen [This is obvious].

Top 10 Ways to Terrify a Visitor at Church

10. Look at them, but don’t talk to them.

9. Talk to them, but don’t look at them.

8. Make gratuitous references to “what Sister White” says, or worse “The pen of Hoy Writ”.

7. During Sabbath school ask someone to read the same text the visitor just read, only from another Bible Version because you prefer it to that heathen translation they have.

6. Let them sit by themselves, in their own pew.

5. Surround them at potluck with eager grins and hang on their every word because you haven’t seen a non-church member in 25 years and are curious what has been happening in society all this time.

4. Bring food to potluck that contains ingredients you can’t buy at grocery stores.

3. Rub their shoulders—especially this one.

2. Call them out in the worship service and have the stand up while you either cheer, applaud, or “amen” at them.

1. Use them as examples of what NOT to do in your sermon or Sabbath School talk.