“It’s a miracle!” exclaimed Marva Lee Wolstad of Minnesota. “One minute I was watching The Micheff Sisters and the next I was enjoying the latest episode of Real Sports: With Bryant Gumble! Now I can have the best of both worlds for one low price!”
For years Adventists have offered their channels on various dish networks, and offered those delicious dishes for one low, one-time, price. Now it appears that they are adding a little “spice” to the mix as more and more elderly subscribers—initially intimidated by remote control—have ventured beyond Hope Channel and 3ABN to see “what else is out there.” They have found a digital treasure trove of tasty television shows ranging from Big Love [a timeless tale of polygamy] to True Blood [vampire series that you can sink your teeth into].
A spokesperson for 3ABN confirmed the rumor to be true and suggested that “this may be the incarnational ministry opportunity that we have been looking for. People need to be met where they are at and where they are at is HBO, Cinemax, and Fox.” While there is some concern that broadcasts like Amazing Facts will lose out to Amazing Race the general feeling remains positive as Adventists can move away from being the “true” church to being the “fun” church which in turn will lead people to the truth.
This line of reasoning is universally condemned by conservatives but their opinion are not being considered as most of them don’t own televisions and are therefore simply illustrating that old adage that “we fear what we don’t understand.” One optimistic executive from Hope Channel said “if we get enough subscribers we may be able to bring the cost of the dish [currently $249] down to cost of parts and shipping [somewhere around $37.50]. Don’t pass up this powerful outreach opportunity!