Top Ten Ways NOT to Baptize Someone

10. Lock and Load: tell them to lock their legs, so the balls of their feet slip in the tank, making them—and possibly you—capsize likes the Titanic.

9. Splash them in the face as they walk down the baptistery and yell “NEXT!”

8. The Naaman Method: put ‘em under 7x.

7. Have them enter the baptistery ahead of you and push them off the top step so they land face down in the water. This saves a lot of time and gives the congregation a thrill.

6. Don’t heat the tank and wear a wet suit under your robe. Let some ice cubes melt in the tank during Sabbath School. If they balk after putting their toe in, question their dedication. This is a good way to know if they are being baptized for the right reasons.

5. Put bubbles in the baptistery.

4. Hand them a microphone in the baptistery to tell the congregation about their experience.

3. Without telling them, dunk them forward instead of backward and yell “Booyah!”

2. While they are under give a 3 minute appeal for baptism [ignore any flailing of limbs that might occur].

1. Once submerged, place your foot on their chest pushing them to the bottom. Then, ever so gently with your foot firmly in place, swish them around to get all the sin off.



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7 responses to “Top Ten Ways NOT to Baptize Someone

  1. Ken Lytle

    Thank you for the insight… I never learned this when I was studying theology. I need to tell a lot of people “I’m sorry!”

  2. Callie

    Yep, I like swishing them around to get the sin off.

  3. Jon

    So you mean when I made sure the guy last week was totally under and held him there for a few seconds wasn’t the right thing to do? How about this one?

  4. martinoutlook

    Just let me know when the next baptism happens at Golden Hills, and I’ll want to be there with my camera. – Martin Weber

  5. Carrie

    lol! (wow my pastor has really been baptizing everone wrong!) 🙂

  6. mom2twoboys

    My 12 year old son is still not certain about baptism because for a long time he was convinced that the long prayer *before* the baptism was actually given while the pastor was holding the person under and he wasn’t sure he could last that long.

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