It has finally happened.
In perhaps the most vulgar display of ecumenism ever recorded, Adventists residing on the East Coast have reached out to their so-called “brothers and sisters” residing on the Western Sea Board in order to “work together” to “finish the work.” And by “finish the work” they no doubt mean the placing the final piece of Papal allegiance into place. God help us all.
It is no secret that the usage of drums and allowing women behind pulpits originated in California. It is also no hidden matter that states such as Pennsylvania have been rigidly opposed to such aberrations. However in a secret meeting in Silver Springs Maryland, reports one insider, “conference officials have agreed to put away differences and just focus on the Gospel regardless of how it is presented.” And just how will it be presented?
“Without truth!” lamented Barney Scheierman—a lay leader in upstate New York. Scheierman first heard about the meeting when a conference administrator accidently sent him confidential email instead of the pastor. When asked what kind of truth will be missing from the new Gospel scheduled to hit churches spring 2011, Scheierman replied, “The truth as it is in Jesus.” When pressed to define what he meant, Mr. Scheierman simply winked, nodded, and made a foreboding moan and told us “guess”—which we did. We were wrong each time and each time the foreboding moan increased in vibrato.
Whatever Barney is getting at we are frightened. And you should be to. The New Gospel is coming and only the most spiritual among us will be able to detect its errors. In the meantime we have decided to work on developing a foreboding moan with corresponding vibrato to help us warn the masses. Please help us spread fear and panic by adopting your own eschatological intonation and enhancing it with hasty generalizations, knowing nods, and asking questions that only you know that answer to but won’t speak it out loud until the person you’ve cornered in the church lobby does first.