Top Ten Ways NOT to Baptize Someone

10. Lock and Load: tell them to lock their legs, so the balls of their feet slip in the tank, making them—and possibly you—capsize likes the Titanic.

9. Splash them in the face as they walk down the baptistery and yell “NEXT!”

8. The Naaman Method: put ‘em under 7x.

7. Have them enter the baptistery ahead of you and push them off the top step so they land face down in the water. This saves a lot of time and gives the congregation a thrill.

6. Don’t heat the tank and wear a wet suit under your robe. Let some ice cubes melt in the tank during Sabbath School. If they balk after putting their toe in, question their dedication. This is a good way to know if they are being baptized for the right reasons.

5. Put bubbles in the baptistery.

4. Hand them a microphone in the baptistery to tell the congregation about their experience.

3. Without telling them, dunk them forward instead of backward and yell “Booyah!”

2. While they are under give a 3 minute appeal for baptism [ignore any flailing of limbs that might occur].

1. Once submerged, place your foot on their chest pushing them to the bottom. Then, ever so gently with your foot firmly in place, swish them around to get all the sin off.