Top Ten Ways to End a Heated Discussion in Sabbath School*

1. Bust out a conclusive Ellen White quote on the topic and withhold the reference, thereby effectively removing the context and settling the issue.

2. Ask the pastor to settle the issue.

3. Fall asleep.

4. Wait for something in the discussion to remind you of a story. Then tell that story until church starts.

5. Take a 20 minute bathroom break and hope it’s over by the time you come back.

6. Start another argument from scratch by making a derogatory remark about the church décor, the order of service, or the King James Version.

7. Start passing around 3 or 4 different kinds of gum; people can’t resist options and neither can they argue as well when they are trying to push out a little gum capsule from the wrapper.

8. Stoke the flames of argument by saying something like, “Yeah, I guess you can view it that way if you’re completely insane.” By increasing the heat you may be able to burn things out faster.

9. Look alarmed and ask “Was that the bell?”*

10. Ask if you can “read a text” then read Psalm 119 in its entirety. People will patiently wait if you continue to emphasize certain phrases, say every 3, because it makes it sound like you are going somewhere; when in fact all you are doing is what you said: reading a text.

*The Equivalent of Sunday School for those who worship on Saturday.

*Sabbath Schools traditionally end with a chime or a bell letting the teacher know when break time before church service begins.



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2 responses to “Top Ten Ways to End a Heated Discussion in Sabbath School*

  1. Martin Weber

    Seth! I see you’ve really been learning a lot about church life. I’m not sure which of your ideas would work best in my church–but I’ll take some of that chewing gum you’re passing around.

  2. as soon as i graduate from beginners class, i totally want to try some of these!

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